Awkward Laughter

Because most things in life are humorous, even when they shouldn't be

Angel Cat Collage

An Open Letter to Cat-Check Boy

102 Comments

Dear Cat-Check Boy,

You don’t even know that’s your name, and I confess I’ve long since forgotten your real one.

I met you in 2003. Your strong face and blue eyes struck me from across the bar. You stood out amongst the lackluster men I had encountered since moving to that small town.

I admit it. I approached you, thrilled to see an attractive man after a year drought.

We chatted. Drank. Laughed. Connected.

I learned you volunteered for a local fire department (super sexy and admirable as hell).

As the bar closed, you offered my friend Amy and I a lift home (chivalrous too).

We exchanged numbers in the back seat (victory!).

Then you made that false move…You pulled out your checkbook.

I didn’t notice it at first, but Amy did.

“You have cats on your checks,” she giggled.

“Oh my!” she exclaimed. “They’re not just cats. They’re cats with wings!”

Angel Cat Collage

I laughed inadvertently and silently willed you to explain it away, “Oh, my ex picked these…”

You didn’t. Instead you retorted, “What’s wrong with cats? I like cats!”

My Florida-Gator-emblazoned checkbook flashed before my eyes.

I said to myself, “A gal with football on her checks and a guy with angel cats are definitely not a match made in heaven. And who pays a bar tab with a check anyway?”

You didn’t share my skepticism. You called me. I didn’t answer.

And when I bumped into you at the Super WalMart, said “nice to see you” as I passed by, and then sprinted to hide in the fabric-section of the store, you tracked me down.

“Why didn’t you call me back?” you asked.

I fed you a half-true statement: that I had reignited a past relationship and was no longer available.

Thank you for pretending to believe me!

Ten years later and prompted by my recent need to renew my Discover card, I write you this letter.

I couldn’t help but get nostalgic and think of you as I debated between the custom card designs. I wondered, would you still pick from among the cats?

Or could we now find some common ground, select a neutral nature scene, and call it a love connection?

Was my decade-old evaluation of our compatibility simply silly notions of a 20-something? Or was my somewhat simple-minded assessment accurate?

And then I recalled what happened a few months after we met. That’s when you began dating my coworker, and I learned that cat wallpaper adorned your bathroom walls.

“He does love cats,” she sighed, cheeks flushed.

Scooter Says What?!?!

Scooter Says What?!?!

That, my feline-loving friend, is the reason you remain my favorite man who I *almost* dated. And it’s why you just might be the best sex that I, and every other cat-check judging woman out there, never had. – Meow!

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102 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Cat-Check Boy

  1. Such a great story! Hilarious! I especially love the ending.

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  2. Oh, you made the right decision. There’s something a little creepy going on there.

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  3. on the bathroom walls!! omg ha ha ha ha ha

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  4. Looked up your info and was disappointed to find you (and presumably cat-check guy) don’t live near Cincinnati. We could use more men at the animal shelter where I volunteer. Even from my biased perspective, though, this guy is going a little too far.

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  5. Yet here I sit again at work laughing out loud. Not sure which was a more entertaining story…the initial story to which ‘cat-check boy’ was born or the one where he hunted you down in Wal-mart?

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  6. I adore cats… but wallpaper? Yikes! The cats with wings are a little creepy, but not as bad as the wallpaper sounds 🙂

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  7. When I read the title of this post, I thought it was a cat check, like a COAT CHECK FOR CATS.

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  8. I love cats. But a man that loves cats enough to paper his walls with them? Urm…
    You made the right call.

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  9. Very funny. I laughed out loud…as I petted my three cats laying in bed with me.

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    • So glad this made you laugh. If it makes you feel better, I wrote this post with my kickass cat, Scooter, right next to me. I’m a cat lover, I just don’t wallpaper my rooms to reflect it. 🙂

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      • I would be his perfect match – I got two, nope, three dressers with cats on them, a cat calendar on the wall and several adorable cat mugs. But then I am excused, I passed my fourtieth birthday several years ago, live alone and have no kids, but two cats …

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  10. I love cats, and run the risk of being That Lady With The Cats one day, but that is taking it to the extreme. Good to know I can look “normal” still.

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  11. Awwww…I don’t believe in regrets, but if I did have to pick something from my past to change, it would be that I wouldn’t have hidden all my little quirks – I would have embraced them and displayed them with pride.
    All those years afraid to admit that I like to crochet, or that I feed the birds, because some silly part of me thought it wasn’t “cool.” What a waste!
    If I was looking for a man again at any point in the future, I think I would be delighted to find one so comfortable with his own personality. Cat wallpaper might be pushing it just a little though… 🙂

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    • I agree with your philosophy. We all have unique interests and habits that make us interesting. I know I have some pretty embarassing ones, and I don’t try to hide them. I make fun of myself relentlessly about them….as do my friends, family and the guys I’ve dated. 🙂

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  12. What’s wrong with a guy loving cats?
    My husband loves our two kitties!

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  13. Aww I think this is kind of sad… it makes me wonder what silly things I’ve done that have kept people from potentially dating me (or vice versa). But then I always judge people who use checks with designs on them, so I’m probably not any better.

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    • Oh, I’m sure the men that I’ve liked and with whom there were first dates and no second (or none at all) could come up with a laundry list of silly things I did along the way. But those same silly things probably attracted others. We all have our preferences, and my dating barometer was a bit broken in my 20s. 🙂

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  14. Look at you, all freshly pressed and everything! Congratulations! 🙂

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  15. I don’t think this should make anyone sad or angry or anything but reminiscent on people they could have ended up with. I married a man who wears pink shirts like he’s leading the flame parade (not that I think anything is wrong with that) and I’m certain that someone in bar somewhere thought “Oh hell no, please don’t make eye contact with me”. They thought this simply because he wasn’t for them. Being who you are (even if you are a creepy cat man) is awesome! It will lead you to who you belong with. Who wouldn’t want to be there?? I’m sure this dude is super happy with the person for him and there cat children. Good for you and good for him. Great story. : )

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    • I 100% agree with you. While I was clearly poking fun here, I also wanted to capture and celebrate all the cool things I learned about him in our short interaction. Clearly, I thought he wasn’t the one for me, but my coworker responded completely differently and they dated for a few years. I’d like to think he’s found the perfect match now.

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  16. Well, at least you didn’t have to learn of his love for cats by seeing that wallpaper in person… in the morning. Congrats on being “freshly pressed”!

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    • Haha! Yes. My friend Amy (mentioned in the post) joked later that if I’d made it to his house and saw the bathroom in person, there would have been a hole in his door shaped like me as I bolted out (cartoon-style). Thanks for reading it and commenting! 🙂

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  17. Cats? I dunno. Cats with wings, posing like angels? Uh to the uh!

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  18. Dude hangs out in small town bars, shops at Wal-mart, doesn’t know what a debit card is, and pursues women who look down on him. Therapy, anyone?

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    • Haha! Well, in his defense, this was long before most people carried a debit card. He really was a nice guy. My old coworker would vouch for that. But there’s certainly something to be said for the quality (or lack thereof) of matches you can make in a bar setting, small town or large.

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  19. See, this is why I hide the weird interests I have from everyone but the friends who share them.

    Those cat-angel-wing checks are hilarious, though.

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    • Oh, I’m sure if any of my old dates or exes are blogging, there’s probably a post out there written about me titled “An Open Letter to the Crazy Gal with the Irrational Fear of Birds.” But that doesn’t make me want to hide that or the abundance of other weird things I say and do, although I probably should seek counseling for the bird thing.

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  20. I can’t imagine even a “crazy-cat-lady” (or “crazy-cat-guy”) going so far as to have angel-cats on their check blanks. Northern Maine, huh? He probably has angel-cat wallpaper and angel-cat bedding in the cell under his garage where he keeps his “dates.”

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  21. There is a shirt that says “Real Men Love Cats”. Cat check man sure knows what he likes and isn’t afraid to admit it.

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  22. Oh man lol
    I was just thinking about how, since checks are all but extinct, this man will publicly display his affection towards the felines.
    Then it hit me.
    Cell phone cat cases i.e.. http://www.amazon.com/Personalized-Samsung-Galaxy-i9500-Custom/dp/B00HBON68G/ref=sr_1_30?ie=UTF8&qid=1392251626&sr=8-30&keywords=cat+cell+phone+case

    I wish we could track this feline-lover down 😀

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  23. Are you aware that this post makes you look very shallow? I wouldn’t worry about it though as so is most of the rest of humanity.

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  24. “I love cats, I love every kind of cat, I just wanna hug them all but I can’t…. can’t hug every cat.”

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  25. Reblogged this on Dreamer on line and commented:
    cool

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  26. Wow. Amazing. I think you made the right call there.

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  27. Aaaw the poor guy! Have to admit the wings on the cats are a bit well.. disturbing. But you know what, you’re right, there are cat loving guys and then there are guys that have angel cats on their cheque books. You did probably make the right call.

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  28. This read has floored me. I love it. Nostalgia at its very best. Id say every being has his own queerness- for lack of a better expression. I am tickled by your story. Well, honestly everyone has a cat guy or girl who just wasn’t meant for them. Thanks for the humour. Will definitely follow you to whatever land of laughter you go.

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  29. HAHAHA. He sure does love cats!

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  30. If he had a bald cat named Mr. Bigglesworth I’d be okay with that; but, fury kittens with wings, plastered on everything. Purely a sign of a psychopath.

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  31. I can’t see why any cat owner would like the idea of winged cats. It’s hard enough to blog while someone is taking slow stroll across the keyboard. I have no desire to have cats hovering around my head like enormous fuzzy mosquitoes… not to mention the aerial catfights or winged games of topple-the-plant, clear-the-shelf, or ride-the-ceiling-fan. Which are exactly the ways cats would use wings if they had them. Angelic? I think not. The true cat owner sees only disaster in a picture of winged cats… it may as well be a picture of cats on flaming roller skates with chainsaws.

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  32. Sounds like he was drink driving, so you had a lucky escape.

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  33. nice

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  34. Cats with wings are definitely deal breakers!!

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  35. I once had a tee shirt with 5 cats on the front and their rear ends on the back (it was a gift) which was quite funny as I was cat sitting 7 cats at the time.

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  36. I would LMFAO if I met a guy with cat checks!!!

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  37. I do wonder what “cat man” looks like… Is he insanely attractive? Tall, short? Dorky type with glasses? Or perhaps a huge raided out bodybuilder? Hahaha

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    • What’s attractive is definitely in the eye of the beholder, but I thought he was super cute. That’s why I was so shocked later by his affinity for angel cats.

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      • Very true…I think I could overlook the cat checks, it could be a cute little secret… but the house decorations, that’s a little too far! I’d be compelled to ask him some very in-depth questions about the cat obsession!! I wonder if his male friends know about the cat obsession/checks as well, or does he hide this?? So many questions come to mind after reading your story!! Hahaha

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  38. This is great!! I have a cat who I adore but cat checks?! And cat wallpaper?! Wowzers. Bullet dodged my friend

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  39. haha oh but imagine the every-day madness you’d have faced with such a feline fellow. Constantly telling him he has to put the litter-box cover down when he’s finished his, ahem, business; demanding he keep his whiskers trim and respectable so as to not appear like he just ‘stray’ed out from some shady Alley whenever the two of you would dine out; expressing to him the importance of covering his mouth properly when he starts hacking away, else some very weird stuff might come flying out and stain the carpet, etc.,. Of course, you do realize you’d always gain your point in the end. Just have to threaten a road trip to the clinic and hint the dreaded ‘N’ word—That’d get him to purrrrfect his manners everytime 😉

    This is a purrfectively humorous blog — no pun intended of course. I’ve enjoyed it immensely so far Ms awkwardlaughter 😉

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  40. Reblogged this on Advertability and commented:
    Hilarious!

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  41. I sincerely hope this was a joke blog. If not… you judge a guy’s ‘dateability’ based on his love of cats. You admit he seems like a good guy. But, you decide not to give him a chance because of his check photo. Perhaps he’s the lucky one in that exchange

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    • Yes, indeed, my narrow concept of who’s datable and who’s not in my 20s mind was exactly what was under scrutiny here. The point of this post was certainly to make fun of my choices at the time as much as him for his. I hope that was clear. If not, as I said before, I failed as a writer.

      That said, I still think it was funny. Perhaps he was lucky if it wasn’t. I definitely leave room for that possibility.

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  42. I want a customised cat Discover card. We don’t have Discover cards in Australia, so I’ll have to use permanent marker instead.

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  43. Pingback: What’s Your Dating Dammit List? | Awkward Laughter

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