The proverbial “they” say imitation is the best form of flattery. In that vein, I’m marrying two posts I stumbled across and loved last week.
Natalie over at The Cat Lady Sings created her dammit list.
Excerpt: Don’t tell me my dreams and goals are unrealistic. If you do, I reserve the right to ignore your opinion.
Excerpt: It doesn’t bother me to be the only single person in a room full of couples. Don’t stop inviting me to things because I will be the ‘odd one out’. I’m a pretty confident and outgoing person and can hold my own in a crowd.
Combined, these two witty ladies inspired my “Top 5+5 Dating Dammit List.” Please punctuate every bulleted item with “damn it!” or “dammit!” (your choice) for emphasis.
To Friends and Family
- Yes, I’m pushing 40, but my biological clock is not ticking. I don’t want to physically have a child pop out of this body, so that will never be my motivation to tie the knot with a loser.
- Just because my relationships haven’t resulted in marriage doesn’t make them insignificant. I have the best ex-boyfriends a gal could ask for. They rock! (excluding two)
- Setting me up with your coworker’s best friend’s brother, who lives in his parent’s basement or buries guns in his back yard, is not a good idea. Ever!
- When I’m single, sometimes I’m joyous, other times I’m sad. When I have a boyfriend, sometimes I’m frustrated, other times I’m blissful. My relationship status doesn’t dictate my underlying joy for life. Neither should yours.
- I own one cat. He’s relatively low-maintenance and cool. I have no need nor desire to add more felines to make up for some perceived lack of mate. Stop emailing me pet-adoption ads.
To Future Suitors
- Sending me “What’s up? I’m horny.” texts will not open my doors at 1 a.m. or any time.
- If you have a laugh that sounds like a cross between Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo, don’t bathe, do drugs or have angel-cats on your checks, I don’t want to date you.
- Telling me your ex-wife or girlfriend is a bitch, slut or deserves to be crushed by a house “Wicked Witch” style does not make you appear the victim.
- Getting belligerently drunk, making fun of other folks in the restaurant, and saying my love of football and steaks makes me “a man” is not good dating form. And, yes, I will mark you in my cell phone as “Stupid Drunk Asshole” to avoid accidentally answering your follow-up calls of apologies.
- Being thoughtful, funny, smart and a great kisser will earn you a 2nd, 3rd…date almost every time (see my top 4 for disclaimers). Did I mention I have the best ex-boyfriends? There’s a reason that’s true.
And so ends my rant to well-meaning loved ones and potential lovers. How about you? What tops your dating dammit list?