The proverbial “they” say imitation is the best form of flattery. In that vein, I’m marrying two posts I stumbled across and loved last week.

Natalie over at The Cat Lady Sings created her dammit list.

Excerpt: Don’t tell me my dreams and goals are unrealistic. If you do, I reserve the right to ignore your opinion.

Daile over at Kiss Me Out of Desire posted “All My Friends Are Getting Married.”

Excerpt: It doesn’t bother me to be the only single person in a room full of couples. Don’t stop inviting me to things because I will be the ‘odd one out’. I’m a pretty confident and outgoing person and can hold my own in a crowd.

 

Combined, these two witty ladies inspired my “Top 5+5 Dating Dammit List.” Please punctuate every bulleted item with “damn it!” or “dammit!” (your choice) for emphasis.

To Friends and Family

1. Yes, I’m pushing 40, but my biological clock is not ticking. I don’t want to physically have a child pop out of this body, so that will never be my motivation to tie the knot with a loser.
2. Just because my relationships haven’t resulted in marriage doesn’t make them insignificant. I have the best ex-boyfriends a gal could ask for. They rock! (excluding two)
3. Setting me up with your coworker’s best friend’s brother, who lives in his parent’s basement or buries guns in his back yard, is not a good idea. Ever!
4. When I’m single, sometimes I’m joyous, other times I’m sad. When I have a boyfriend, sometimes I’m frustrated, other times I’m blissful. My relationship status doesn’t dictate my underlying joy for life. Neither should yours.
5. I own one cat. He’s relatively low-maintenance and cool. I have no need nor desire to add more felines to make up for some perceived lack of mate. Stop emailing me pet-adoption ads.

To Future Suitors

1. Sending me “What’s up? I’m horny.” texts will not open my doors at 1 a.m. or any time.
2. If you have a laugh that sounds like a cross between Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo, don’t bathe, do drugs or have angel-cats on your checks, I don’t want to date you.
3. Telling me your ex-wife or girlfriend is a bitch, slut or deserves to be crushed by a house “Wicked Witch” style does not make you appear the victim.
4. Getting belligerently drunk, making fun of other folks in the restaurant, and saying my love of football and steaks makes me “a man” is not good dating form. And, yes, I will mark you in my cell phone as “Stupid Drunk Asshole” to avoid accidentally answering your follow-up calls of apologies.
5. Being thoughtful, funny, smart and a great kisser will earn you a 2nd, 3rd…date almost every time (see my top 4 for disclaimers). Did I mention I have the best ex-boyfriends? There’s a reason that’s true.

And so ends my rant to well-meaning loved ones and potential lovers. How about you? What tops your dating dammit list?